Don't stop writing. I'd love if you didn't feel the pain and anguish you do, let alone suicidal thoughts, but your writings add so much to my life. They are deeply profound and spiritual.
I had regrets too, done things that were shameful, but at some point, I dusted myself off, because I could not change them. Took me many, many years to truly love myself, not in a conceited way, but just honor and respect myself.
May you find a clear path, Sotiris, your deep reflections would be well missed. 💜
Thank you for your encouraging words. It’s helpful to hear other people’s stories and witness how they keep going regardless of the hardships. Thank you
I agree. When I grew up with abuse, I felt I was the only one--nobody talked about it and there wasn't anyone to report it to. The internet wasn't available then, either.
I deeply resonate with you, Sotiris, so keep committing your words, thoughts and feelings to paper, so to speak, to release whatever you need to and thereby possibly helping others, including me, to confront what needs to be released.
Thank you for your words. I just hope that my writing brings even the slightest of comfort to people, letting them know that they are understood and acknowledged for their suffering. Also, I hope to maybe help prevent future trauma from occurring. this is why I keep writing here.
Letting go of attachments, judgements, and assumptions, we suddenly – if only for a few seconds – simply know. More closely seen, we simply remember what we’ve always known. The knowledge permeates the senses now changed and refined. The knowing is not explainable, then not describable, then not even nameable, and never imaginable -- it is that real! And yet! Because this is what we are become, we know no greater desire but, each in his own way, to act, explain, describe, name, and imagine whatever we can to attract the suffering world to the same. Because we are the world, each of us, and also all of us
You know two things have persistently anchored me to this life, when I wanted out or when I think about it sometimes.
That is the love for my people, I don't want to be another source of pain for others, but by pushing on I can somehow be support and stability that others might need when they go through their own dark night of the soul.
The second is my karma. I know that whatever karma I have accumulated will follow me to the end of existence until I choose to transform it, so why start over? I've come this far anyways. Might as well make the best with what I have now because the pattern will just keep repeating regardless.
Thank you for this awesome comment. I’m sorry you share the same thoughts. I wish nobody could relate to the things we write about, but unfortunately we are not alone. Your first reason for living is the one I share too. There are a few who would be saddened by my departure so I should not be the reason for even one of tear. The second reason, karma, sounds comforting knowing that there can be redemption in alternative lives, and that suffering becomes meaningful, even in a different life. The problem is that we can’t test whether karma and reincarnation are true. We can’t know whether they are true. So, to me, karma doesn’t exist. I wish it did, though. It would mean that a life of suffering was catharsis for a previous life of evil. Meaning makes pain bearable.
I hear ya. A book that changed my perspective on Karma was “Karma : A Yogis Guide To Crafting Your Destiny “ by Sadhguru. He deviates from the common misconception of karma being about crime and punishment and something inescapable beyond possibly multiple lives. But more so being an internal process that accumulates within you, that could be negative or positive, which manifests physically at a certain point. Instead of effects creating more causes, he puts it back in order and reframes it to where you have responsibility to do what you will with your own internal experiences and patterns. I think it’s less about reincarnation even though it probably seemed that’s what I Implied. My point is my karma is my internal suffering and/or joy and how I choose to respond to/ use that. I could wait for something to change it or I can create my own meaning, like going from windows to Linux or something. A new internal software can be built.
I wasn't going to hit the subscribe button, not because your writing isn't worthwhile but because I'm a slow and compulsive reader. I was just going over my list of subscriptions trying to purge but I didn't purge. I've added to my reading list today so my other to-do-list remains undone. Is Substack part of the new attention economy distracting us? Anyhow, if I really wanted to practice playing the flute that's what I'd be doing but I love reading. I'll listen to someone else playing the flute who has practiced and loves to play.
Writing is difficult for me, I can do it but I'm not a writer. I'm not a tormented artist, an overwhelmed perfectionist, a brillant mind, an imaginative thinker or anything like that. I love to read because my mother wouldn't read to me as much as I would have liked her too. I asked her to teach me how to do it myself but she told me she wasn't qualified and didn't want to somehow mess up my ability to read once I started school. The "educational experts" at the time were pushing "sight reading" as opposed to phonics. So I read 'Dick and Jane' and my teacher told us all to go home and watch 'Sesame Street' after school so we could learn phonics.
Your struggle with suicidal ideation touches me because I've known so many people affected by this and I struggle to understand. I kind of understand but I don't really get it. I do appreciate that you're a fighter and you're fighting your own worst enemy. Don't cheat yourself and no worries about losing in the end.
Hmmm, you want me to elaborate... if I were a poet I might have said something like "Do not go gentle into that goodnight" but that's not entirely what I was getting at either.
Do you know the song, "Suicide is Painless"? Well that's not true but what is true is that you're going to die anyway, not to worry. In the game of life, you can't cheat death but you can betray yourself.
Thanks for your reflections. I suppose we’ve all got our way of getting our essence/hopes/frustrations out there. For some it’s writing, for others it’s art, music….
I think for me the one that rings truest is about assigning meaning to your suffering. I’m always trying to find ‘the lesson’. Whether it exists or not is another matter.
I would love to write but writing is too slow and by the time I write down my thoughts my inner dialogue is 10 steps away from my original thought. Finally I have the same experience with speech. It's also very very slow and finally I am bored with people that they need detailed explanation of every little thing or that they can't even understand seemingly obvious facts so I just gave up on conversations. Also I can't listen to podcasts because they are extremely slow and tedious.
I love reading because I can go with my speed. Can stop anywhere to give some thoughts. But in general it is very fast medium without additional distraction.
Very timely post. The subject is dead on for my next well overdue SlopStack Farticle. You're traumatized, I'm Traumatized and I think that the better of us in a similar state already realized that this online domain is not what people suffering in states such as ours require. We're human after all.
Next article is about trying to define what PTSD / C-PTSD looks like after the onset of 2020, and this mushy gross post-plandemic era we're left enduring. I spent my weekend finishing this book, which serves as the inspiration for my farticle. https://archive.org/details/chambersofmemory0000chal/page/n1/mode/2up
I see contentment as the neutral between misery and happiness. Happiness comes with fear of loss. Misery has nothing to lose but it’s excruciating. Contentment is peace.
Interesting perspective, and I do keep an open mind. How does one discern what the universe tells us and what our purpose is? These are my holy grails,
If you knew me and knew what the mission is, you'd know there is no way I "imagined" or "dreamed" it. It began as a revelation that flew out of my mouth many years ago, and one I never forgot. It hasn't manifested yet, but through years of receiving visions, dreams and revelations, I trust it will. I'm not sure this answered your question, but sometimes, I receive visions and other times the universe works with my intuition--it's just a knowing.
Yes Contentment = leaded water w dash of arsenic & polyethylene glycolized mini wheats.. a glass of pure Flouride all served under a nice Chemical sky with a slight drizzle and a thick putrid Haze…
Don't stop writing. I'd love if you didn't feel the pain and anguish you do, let alone suicidal thoughts, but your writings add so much to my life. They are deeply profound and spiritual.
I had regrets too, done things that were shameful, but at some point, I dusted myself off, because I could not change them. Took me many, many years to truly love myself, not in a conceited way, but just honor and respect myself.
May you find a clear path, Sotiris, your deep reflections would be well missed. 💜
Thank you for your encouraging words. It’s helpful to hear other people’s stories and witness how they keep going regardless of the hardships. Thank you
I agree. When I grew up with abuse, I felt I was the only one--nobody talked about it and there wasn't anyone to report it to. The internet wasn't available then, either.
I deeply resonate with you, Sotiris, so keep committing your words, thoughts and feelings to paper, so to speak, to release whatever you need to and thereby possibly helping others, including me, to confront what needs to be released.
Thank you for your words. I just hope that my writing brings even the slightest of comfort to people, letting them know that they are understood and acknowledged for their suffering. Also, I hope to maybe help prevent future trauma from occurring. this is why I keep writing here.
I like your unapologetic drive to crack dialectical consensus' online.
Don't forget to spend some you time offline too. Read books, interact with IRL people, get sunshine.
Online is a trap when manacled to it
Thank you. You are right. I should heed this piece of advice. I appreciate the reminder
Amazing things happen when we just let go.
Letting go of attachments, judgements, and assumptions, we suddenly – if only for a few seconds – simply know. More closely seen, we simply remember what we’ve always known. The knowledge permeates the senses now changed and refined. The knowing is not explainable, then not describable, then not even nameable, and never imaginable -- it is that real! And yet! Because this is what we are become, we know no greater desire but, each in his own way, to act, explain, describe, name, and imagine whatever we can to attract the suffering world to the same. Because we are the world, each of us, and also all of us
Very relatable Sotiris and well articulated.
You know two things have persistently anchored me to this life, when I wanted out or when I think about it sometimes.
That is the love for my people, I don't want to be another source of pain for others, but by pushing on I can somehow be support and stability that others might need when they go through their own dark night of the soul.
The second is my karma. I know that whatever karma I have accumulated will follow me to the end of existence until I choose to transform it, so why start over? I've come this far anyways. Might as well make the best with what I have now because the pattern will just keep repeating regardless.
Thank you for this awesome comment. I’m sorry you share the same thoughts. I wish nobody could relate to the things we write about, but unfortunately we are not alone. Your first reason for living is the one I share too. There are a few who would be saddened by my departure so I should not be the reason for even one of tear. The second reason, karma, sounds comforting knowing that there can be redemption in alternative lives, and that suffering becomes meaningful, even in a different life. The problem is that we can’t test whether karma and reincarnation are true. We can’t know whether they are true. So, to me, karma doesn’t exist. I wish it did, though. It would mean that a life of suffering was catharsis for a previous life of evil. Meaning makes pain bearable.
I hear ya. A book that changed my perspective on Karma was “Karma : A Yogis Guide To Crafting Your Destiny “ by Sadhguru. He deviates from the common misconception of karma being about crime and punishment and something inescapable beyond possibly multiple lives. But more so being an internal process that accumulates within you, that could be negative or positive, which manifests physically at a certain point. Instead of effects creating more causes, he puts it back in order and reframes it to where you have responsibility to do what you will with your own internal experiences and patterns. I think it’s less about reincarnation even though it probably seemed that’s what I Implied. My point is my karma is my internal suffering and/or joy and how I choose to respond to/ use that. I could wait for something to change it or I can create my own meaning, like going from windows to Linux or something. A new internal software can be built.
That sounds nice and optimistic. And meaningful. I just hope there were a way to prove the validity of some an existential system
I wasn't going to hit the subscribe button, not because your writing isn't worthwhile but because I'm a slow and compulsive reader. I was just going over my list of subscriptions trying to purge but I didn't purge. I've added to my reading list today so my other to-do-list remains undone. Is Substack part of the new attention economy distracting us? Anyhow, if I really wanted to practice playing the flute that's what I'd be doing but I love reading. I'll listen to someone else playing the flute who has practiced and loves to play.
Writing is difficult for me, I can do it but I'm not a writer. I'm not a tormented artist, an overwhelmed perfectionist, a brillant mind, an imaginative thinker or anything like that. I love to read because my mother wouldn't read to me as much as I would have liked her too. I asked her to teach me how to do it myself but she told me she wasn't qualified and didn't want to somehow mess up my ability to read once I started school. The "educational experts" at the time were pushing "sight reading" as opposed to phonics. So I read 'Dick and Jane' and my teacher told us all to go home and watch 'Sesame Street' after school so we could learn phonics.
Your struggle with suicidal ideation touches me because I've known so many people affected by this and I struggle to understand. I kind of understand but I don't really get it. I do appreciate that you're a fighter and you're fighting your own worst enemy. Don't cheat yourself and no worries about losing in the end.
Thank you for your heartwarming message. Could you please elaborate more on this: "Don't cheat yourself and no worries about losing in the end."
Hmmm, you want me to elaborate... if I were a poet I might have said something like "Do not go gentle into that goodnight" but that's not entirely what I was getting at either.
Do you know the song, "Suicide is Painless"? Well that's not true but what is true is that you're going to die anyway, not to worry. In the game of life, you can't cheat death but you can betray yourself.
Thanks for your reflections. I suppose we’ve all got our way of getting our essence/hopes/frustrations out there. For some it’s writing, for others it’s art, music….
I think for me the one that rings truest is about assigning meaning to your suffering. I’m always trying to find ‘the lesson’. Whether it exists or not is another matter.
Thank you for the added context. If lessons don’t exist, we make them up as we go. Unfortunately, any meaning we assign isn’t universal.
I would love to write but writing is too slow and by the time I write down my thoughts my inner dialogue is 10 steps away from my original thought. Finally I have the same experience with speech. It's also very very slow and finally I am bored with people that they need detailed explanation of every little thing or that they can't even understand seemingly obvious facts so I just gave up on conversations. Also I can't listen to podcasts because they are extremely slow and tedious.
I love reading because I can go with my speed. Can stop anywhere to give some thoughts. But in general it is very fast medium without additional distraction.
It’s important to do what feels natural to you.
Very timely post. The subject is dead on for my next well overdue SlopStack Farticle. You're traumatized, I'm Traumatized and I think that the better of us in a similar state already realized that this online domain is not what people suffering in states such as ours require. We're human after all.
Next article is about trying to define what PTSD / C-PTSD looks like after the onset of 2020, and this mushy gross post-plandemic era we're left enduring. I spent my weekend finishing this book, which serves as the inspiration for my farticle. https://archive.org/details/chambersofmemory0000chal/page/n1/mode/2up
Highly recommended.
Thank you for the recommendation
Great article
I'm going to tell you there is a way to peace and complete content(ness) is that a word? Who cares. Look if I could find it ? Anyone can.
Contentment
I could never be satisfied with contentment--I have too many projects to complete, but I'll go for peace and harmony.
I see contentment as the neutral between misery and happiness. Happiness comes with fear of loss. Misery has nothing to lose but it’s excruciating. Contentment is peace.
I respect your perception, but the universe has told me not to get complacent, which I consider contentment. Otherwise I won't fulfill my purpose.
Interesting perspective, and I do keep an open mind. How does one discern what the universe tells us and what our purpose is? These are my holy grails,
If you knew me and knew what the mission is, you'd know there is no way I "imagined" or "dreamed" it. It began as a revelation that flew out of my mouth many years ago, and one I never forgot. It hasn't manifested yet, but through years of receiving visions, dreams and revelations, I trust it will. I'm not sure this answered your question, but sometimes, I receive visions and other times the universe works with my intuition--it's just a knowing.
Contentmentnessessities??haha
Yes Contentment = leaded water w dash of arsenic & polyethylene glycolized mini wheats.. a glass of pure Flouride all served under a nice Chemical sky with a slight drizzle and a thick putrid Haze…
That is how you can join me in Contentment
hahahaha
What is it?