What Makes A Man
18 Steps From Boyhood To Manhood
When I was younger, I was insecure about my manhood. I had an abusive father who missed no opportunity to remind me daily what a failure and disappointment I was. He went out of his way to advertise his disapproval of everything I did, was and stood for. He repeated his disapproval so much that I eventually believed him. I became convinced that I was useless. So I ended up manifesting his self-fulfilling prophecy: as a loser young adult, I proved him right.
Having an abusive father is worse than having no father. Mine was blatantly neglectful unless he wanted to be abusive. I didn’t know what manhood was, because my masculine role-model didn’t know either; a true man never feels the need to cowardly abuse a child, to then conveniently call it “discipline”.
So, I thought that men were supposed to be aggressive, abusive, toxic, dishonourable, unkind, egocentric, arrogant, sociopathic. I thought that a “man” was the guy who fucked around with as many women as possible in a desperate effort to steal cheap quantity validation, rather than earn meaningful quality actualization. This is what I thought a man was. Boy, was I wrong… (pun intended).
I never had a ‘rite of passage’, a test of manhood to complete; never received proof of my masculinity, or an official acknowledgment by society that I was indeed a man. I thought that serving in the army would make me a man. But ‘serving’ as a submissive uniformed slave cosplaying as a glorified gimp, with no individuality, voice, or dignity, is not manly at all. If anything, the military eats away at your manhood, since it erodes your dignity and self-ownership in favour of submissive loyalties to your abusers (the state). You end up loving your masters, and taking pride in your servitude, as you do with Stockholm syndrome. The military conditions you to do just that: love your abusers, become subservient to them, and take pride in servitude. The term ‘thank you for your service’ is a deliberate manipulative conditioning to take pride in being subservient.
But I digress. Let’s go back…
My instinctive need to achieve manhood kicked in right on time in puberty. I didn’t just want to be a man; I NEEDED to be a man. So, I thought that by building muscle in the gym, practicing martial arts, and being as egocentric as I could, made me a man. But it didn’t. I thought that by being aggressive, and by picking fights over petty insignificant annoyances was me being assertive. But it wasn’t. I presumed that by being a ‘player’ and objectifying cheap recyclable women (who also objectified me) was what would finally turn me into a man. It didn’t.
Deep down I knew I wasn’t a man. I felt insecure despite the cheap admiration I was getting from impressionable imbeciles who looked up to the masculine caricature I had become. On the surface, I looked badass. Inside, I was a little boy, insecure about his worth, and reliant upon cheap opinions and meaningless external validation from people who didn’t matter.
The tell-tale sign that I wasn’t a man was that the quality girls didn’t seem to like me at all. I seemed to attract the broken ones with parental issues, just like me. I was a magnet for hot mess objects looking for other objects, like me. Maybe they thought they didn’t deserve better than me. I felt I didn’t deserve better than them too.
I at least made this humble realization, unafraid to admit that I was on the wrong path, without punishing myself for it. I accepted my weaknesses without losing my self-esteem. If anything, this bold admission gave me more respect for who I was.
That’s when I realized that I needed to do lots of self-reflection, self-improvement, and humble soul-searching if I could ever hope to achieve self-ownership, and through it, manhood.
The first step towards manhood was humility (and manhood is a never-ending journey). I needed to be strong enough to accept being humble without compromising my self-esteem. I needed enough humility to acknowledge my weakness, if I were to address it. I had to admit that I was a scared little boy, not a man… yet. Up until that time, my delusions of manhood hadn’t allowed me to grow, because I had assumed I was already big enough. I acted manly, but society responded as though I wasn’t. This conflict between what I chose to believe, and what society gave back to me as feedback, brought me so many disappointing and humiliating experiences, that I began to hate and punish myself. I expected respect, demanded it with insecure entitlement. So not getting it frustrated me. But self-hatred is the other extreme and mirror opposite of arrogance. By hating myself, I was being self-righteous in a way, as if I had superior standards, enough to aggressively reject anything less than perfection.
Arrogance is masked insecurity, and self-hatred is masked self-righteous smugness. They are the same.
I needed to be realistic, grounded and balanced. Instead of self-loathing humiliation, I needed self-empowering humility. Instead of self-pity, I needed self-respect, the opposite of insecurity-induced pride. Arrogance betrays a lack of self-respect, because arrogance is embarrassing and pathetic. I gave myself the gift of humility, the power to admit that I was not yet a man. Only then could I ever hope to one day be a man.
I held myself accountable for my weaknesses, but I didn’t blame myself. Self-accountability is empowerment; it is not self-deprecation. Holding myself responsible for my drawbacks, despite having the disadvantage of an abusive childhood, gave me the opportunity to improve. Only through accepting a problem can you hope to solve it. Denying a problem ensures that you will never solve it; if anything, arrogant denial of your weaknesses only exacerbates them.
After a long painful Odyssean journey towards manliness, I believe I’ve managed to get an idea of what makes a man, and what doesn’t. And I know I’ve only scraped the surface. The irony is that pure manliness may even be impossible to achieve. However, as long as I was on the journey towards manhood, as long as I was always aspiring to achieve it and do my best to be it, I would be OK.
I would hold true to the ideal of manhood even if I could never reach it.
Here’s what I discovered:
There’s a definable difference between a boy and a man. Not all males are necessarily men; hence the manipulative dare “be a man!” This challenges weak males insecure about their manhood enough to desperately need to prove it, at any cost.
Achievement of manhood is a male’s greatest challenge, yet we have a hard time defining it. What really makes a man? Some males assume that buffing themselves up in the gym makes them men. Others, believe that making money or assuming positions of institutional power is masculine. Many of them are even convinced that abusing their perceived power through the oppression of others somehow makes them men. But it doesn’t, because if you have to abuse others to convince yourself that you are a man, then you obviously hold weak convictions in your self-worth. Manhood does not depend on the circumstantial weak positions of others.
So what makes a man? Physical strength? Skills? Looks? Money? Power? Charisma? Intellect? I don’t think any of these attributes on their own make a man. They can be bonus side-effects of manhood, but in and of themselves, they don’t make a man.
We generally agree that manhood is associated with strength. Strength, however, is not how much a needle can help you bench-press. Strength is perseverance against adversity, an unwavering sense of confidence, and the ability to be humble without compromising your self-esteem. True strength doesn’t need proving, so a man is only strong when he can be kind without fearing being considered weak for it. He is only strong when he uses his strength to freely choose to provide value to society, as much or as little as he freely chooses. He is strong when he can assert his rights against those who would take them from him. He uses his strength to survive, to defend himself, to protect, to protest, to speak his mind even against superior forces.
A man is not an aggressor, even though he is prepared to unleash hell on those who first initiate direct (not indirect) aggression against him. Aggression and uninvited antagonism come from a place of weakness. Aggression is a deep insecurity in one’s sense of self-worth, enough to spark desperate acts of opportune convenient hostility out of a need to cope with feelings of inadequacy.
A man doesn’t need to prove anything; he only wants to excel for himself. And if he doesn’t succeed, he is still fine with who he is.
This is the difference between need and want. When you need, you cannot accept yourself, and so your self-regard relies on external factors. When you want, you accept yourself regardless, even though you aspire to be better, not out of desperation, but out of principle. A man wants; he doesn’t need. Achievement for a man is not a cheap vehicle to finally accept himself. Achievement is identity, morality, purpose, and meaning.
More importantly, a man stands for something, and stands up for himself; especially when the chips are down.
Here are the elements of manhood, as I see them. There is some overlap, but each trait makes sense by itself, as well as in unison:
1. Accountability
They say that with great power comes great responsibility. But it’s the opposite: With great responsibility comes great power.
A man does not waste time blaming others, even if they have objectively harmed him, and even when he wasn’t at fault at all. He holds people accountable for what they did to him, but wasting time complaining and resenting them only harms him in the end.
Long-term petty resentment feeds the trauma that your abusers caused you, and keeps the wounds open by continuously reminding you of them. You can never heal when you constantly stimulate your trauma. Deliver consequences to your abusers, but don’t waste time hating them after that, because hate only eats the hater. Learn from the lessons of inviting and allowing abuse, but let your hate go once it is no longer useful to you. Make them pay the price of harming you, mostly by depriving them of the luxury of your friendship or support. But after that, you must delete them from your mind; not for them, but for your own health.
When you hate, your happiness depends on their misery. You’re unhappy when they’re happy, and your happiness from their unhappiness is meaningless.
Accountability is not self-blame. Blaming yourself or blaming others is a false dichotomy of extremes. Yes, you are accountable for your mistakes, but you also don’t punish yourself in pretentious self-righteous self-pity drama-boasting. You hold yourself accountable because it’s courageous and noble, but mostly because it’s an opportunity to improve yourself. You don’t blame others or resent them for what they did to you, even though you hold them responsible, and you choose to be careful with your relationship with them as a result. This is being accountable without being self-loathing. This is holding people responsible for what they did to you, without holding on to petty unending resentments.
A man is also accountable for the mistakes of others when these mistakes were a direct or indirect result of his poor guidance, mentorship, passivity or tolerance. He accepts his share of the fault when his action, inaction, gullibility, weakness, wilful ignorance or lack of foresight contributed to other people making mistakes. He also accepts responsibility for when others abuse him because he either invited, provoked or tolerated abuse; or he put himself in a situation where he would be abused, either knowingly, or by having had poor foresight. He doesn’t blame himself for being abused. He just sees all the ways he could have avoided it, and can avoid it in the future. He understands that nobody can manipulate or abuse him without his permission, and that in most cases, he has some responsibility in the harm that befalls him.
A man understands that the more he holds himself accountable for his pain, the more power he has to control his world. If you hold yourself accountable for something, it means you had and have the power to affect it. You then see all the ways in which you are able to affect your reality.
Accountability is the essence of leadership, and a man leads without force, threat or manipulation. He leads as people freely choose to follow his example because they know he is proactive and has initiative. Most importantly, they know he is accountable for them. He takes responsibility for their mistakes, and takes none of the credit for their successes. This is what a true leader is.
2. Self-Reliance
I man needs nothing and no one. I man wants, not because he can’t do without it, but because it is meaningful.
A man cannot depend on others. If you need other people’s help or validation to be happy or successful, then you are still a boy. Men aren’t desperate for friendship, love, companionship, or achievement. They don’t need these things; they only want them. Wanting, not needed, means you’re OK without something. If you’re OK without it, then having it becomes all the more meaningful.
A man has the self-belief, drive, focus, skill and resilience to achieve what he needs to survive, and to get what he wants. He can make himself more valuable to his peers as a trading partner than as a conquered enemy. This means that he is smart and capable enough to get more out of offering value to others, instead of dominating them (or being dominated by them) through force. Getting resources out of threats and violence is weak, because it relies on the relative weakness of others. Getting things by offering value to people who voluntarily give you what you want is strength, because they rely on you just as much as you rely on them. This is why men are not threatened by free markets, while weak males cry for the supposed “protection” of an abusive daddy-figure government.
Masculine self-reliance also means that a man is unafraid to immediately sever any relationship at any given time. Being in a romantic, personal or professional relationship just because you are scared of not having it means you depend on it. People do not respect you when you desperately need them. A man chooses his relationships because he wants them, not because he needs them. Not needing them makes them all the more meaningful, because you freely choose to have them regardless. So a man cannot be in abusive or manipulative relationships, since he possesses the self-reliance to end them at a moment’s notice if they become unpleasant. This makes gives him advantage and leverage, and it renders him respectable. It also makes his relationships meaningful. Those in relationships with him appreciate him and they value the relationship; it is a meaningful relationship, not a relationship birthed out of desperate need and settling. Nobody is grateful for a relationship with someone who is needy and desperate for it.
3. Humility
Humility is not pathetic undignified humbleness. Humility is confidence enough to be humble without compromising your self-esteem.
A man is humble, but not humiliated. Humility is dignified and empowering. On the other hand, undignified humiliation is self-deprecating self-righteous smugness. It is vain to assume the narrative of pretentious self-debilitating humiliation. Conversely, it is respectable to boldly accept that you’re not great, nor that you are entitled to anything, without sacrificing your self-respect. If anything, this may be the only measure of greatness: accepting that you can’t be great, and that you’re OK regardless.
Humility means you’re strong and self-assured enough to be able to accept your limitations and non-entitlement, and be fine with yourself regardless. Arrogance is insecurity because it desperately denies your limitations, and it drives you to feel entitled to the undeserved and unowed. Arrogance is fear of acknowledging the hard truth of lack of non-greatness. Non accepting reality is weakness.
Weak people cannot accept their flaws, because this would mean loathing themselves. The reversal of this insecurity is revelling in one’s weakness, and boasting self-humiliation in smug pretentious self-righteousness. Is it still insecurity, though.
Strong people embrace their weaknesses, because they are strong enough to accept themselves despite their flaws. This doesn’t mean sociopathy and a refusal to acknowledge the burden of mistakes and weaknesses. It means accepting them as negatives traits. Only by deeming your flaws as negative can you not be defined by them.
“Your mistakes do not define you; they tell you who you’re not.” - 3 Doors Down
Men accept themselves because they constantly work on their weaknesses, even when knowing they can never fully get over them. Men are noble this way.
Men also don’t feel entitled to anything. Nobody owes them anything, and they know they are not owed the undeserved. They don’t feel they automatically deserve the respect and acceptance of anyone. No man or woman owes him respect. And he is fine with this, because he is strong in self-reliance and humility. Knowing that he is not entitled to anything makes everything her gets all the more meaningful. Not being entitled is the only way to appreciate what you have, and the only path to true gratitude.
Those who think they are entitled to something cannot be grateful for it even if they do get it, since they presume it was theirs all along. They are also furious when they don’t get what they are think should be theirs. Men, on the other hand, are fine without it, because they don’t delude themselves they were ever entitled to it. Men are strong enough to admit that reality owes us nothing.
Lastly, men can hear negative feedback without losing their self-esteem. Whether the negative feedback is well- or ill-intended, he takes it as an opportunity to improve, if he chooses to. But he is humble enough to accept being weak or disapproved of, because he is comfortable respecting himself even when knowing he is far from perfect.
4. Assertiveness
A man does not tolerate abuse. Tolerance of abuse invites more abuse.
A man asserts himself by going after what he wants, and by not letting his fears hold him back. He does not allow others to disrespect or walk all over him. Even if they do, he doesn’t let it slide. At the very least, when faced with superior force, he calls it the abuse, and adjusts his behavior towards his abusers accordingly. If he is to submit to superior force, he makes it hard for his abusers, and he reluctantly submits under protest until the time is opportune to turn the tide. He never internalizes injustices against him, and he doesn’t makes excuses for his abusers. He is accountable for his mistakes in enabling abuse, but he doesn’t tell himself that he deserved abuse. He empathizes with his abusers in acknowledging their weakness that drove them to abuse, but he doesn’t give them a free pass either.
A man doesn’t seek to please his abusers in a desperate effort to gain their approval in hopes of healing the trauma they caused him. This is Stockholm Syndrome, and it is pathetic. A man doesn’t need the approval of people who are weak enough to seek validation through abuse. A man seeks to please those who approved of him when he was at his lowest. These are the ones who earned his respect.
As a man, you speak out, especially against superior force where it matters. You speak your mind, and you voice your opinion and concerns. You don’t put other people’s problems over your own, unless you freely choose to without implied emotional blackmail or coercion. You cannot take care of other people more than you take care of yourself, because then you’re not helping them. If you debilitate yourself, you’re of no use to anyone.
You cannot deny your own interests for the benefits and interests of others, unless it is in your benefit to do so; which means it is in your interest after all. Just like during an emergency, you ensure your own safety first before you even think about providing first aid to anyone. In an airplane cabin depressurization, you secure your own mask first before you help others with theirs. A man cannot be useful to anyone unless he takes cares of his needs first and foremost. It is selfish to do otherwise. It is selfish to unwillingly comply to others’ expectations of you, and to then cultivate underlying resentment for them (and yourself) as a result. It is selfish to not be selfish, because you can’t be useful to others when you’re debilitated and unable to help. Only by valuing yourself first can you truly begin offer value others.
A man takes bullshit from no one. He calls out provocations, not with petty aggression, but with sarcastic indifferent remarks. Provocations mean nothing to him, but he has to call them out and ridicule them to assert his space, in case his wannabe abusers mistake his indifference for weakness, and get bolder.
He asserts himself when facing injustice against him, his woman, family and friends. He does not tolerate abuse, insults, mistreatment, or disrespect. Even when faced with superior institutional force that is purely circumstantial, he still voices his disapproval, and he reluctantly steps back until it’s time to reciprocate the disrespect. Even if he reluctantly complies, he does so under protest, and he never internalizes the abuse. He never makes excuses for his abusers, because he knows he didn’t deserve the abuse. He asserts himself against others, as well as against himself when his own subconscious seeks to abuse him. He is assertive against all abusive voices, whether they belong to others or to him.
A man claims and takes what he wants, even though he knows his is not entitled to it. He does not forcibly take what he wants because he knows he is not owed it. Instead, he sees the value and meaning of earning it, rather than stealing it. This is why he makes the effort to earn it fairly. This is how he appreciates it, and how he can be OK when he can’t get it, even if he does everything right. He can only be grateful for it when he is not entitled to it. And he is satisfied knowing he went after it regardless of the result.
He is assertive against unfairness, and when he faces people who want to take what is his. He never backs down, and always speaks his mind, even in graceful defeat. Even against superior force, he lets his reluctance and opposition be heard regardless of the consequences.
A man is not afraid of conflict if that conflict is constructive in asserting his rights, and what is fair. He doesn’t seek dominance over others, and doesn’t accept being dominated by others. He is above dealing with petty annoyances, but he doesn’t let meaningful disrespect slide either. He is confident in constructive conflict because he knows he can handle himself if the conflict turns bad; but not before he negotiates a win-win scenario. Men are good at conjuring creative solutions to disputes.
5. Defiance
Perceived authority denies self-ownership, and therefore, manhood.
Men cannot be subservient to anyone. A man has a solid individual identity, and does not fall for the submissive self-denial of group identity (like the military, for example). A group identity is the submissive waiving of self-ownership. Tribalist identity is the opposite of manhood, since a man first and foremost owns his own will and destiny. He doesn’t rely on a collective to tell him who he is or what his purpose is. Being a Borg is unmanly, because it surrenders self-ownership, and denies individual will.
Indeed, a man can identify with a set of specific values and principles for which his immediate society stands, but he cannot be a pawn in someone else’s chess game. For a man, individual identities get to determine the collective, not the other way around. Weak people allow the perceived group identity to define their personal identity; and this can be an extremely manipulative tool in the hands of demagogues. Men are too principled, independent, self-reliant and defiant to allow themselves to fall for manipulative tribalist collectivism.
A man cannot be a pathetic fanboy for anyone. He respects himself too much to idolize others. He can respect and admire other people, but never at the cost of his own self-esteem or dignity. He never supplicates to anyone, even if he respects them. This is because he respects himself equally, even if he admits others are better than him is specific fields. He cannot supplicate to someone in the form of pathetic worship and embarrassing fanboy-ism, because he is dignified.
A man may reluctantly and temporarily comply under protest to people with a momentary advantage over him, because this is a smart survival strategy. But by no means does a man love his oppressor in a pathetic manifestation of Stockholm Syndrome.
A man chooses to defy his abusers, even though this makes the abuse more traumatic to him. Internalizing abuse and making excuses for your abusers is a cope that makes the abuse less traumatic. But a man chooses to hurt more by defying oppression. This is because his dignity is worth the pain.
Obedience to authority is embarrassing, and it is pathetic how the military twists blind obedience, subservience and humiliation into something supposedly “masculine”. Militarism is not masculine, not even close. There is nothing manly about wearing an identity-denying gimp suit full of good-boy stars and glitter while blindly obeying ridiculous orders in an embarrassing display of closet homo-eroticism and unresolved daddy issues.
6. Audacity
To have tharros (courage), you must first have thrasos (audacity).
A man audaciously accepts his fault without self-punishment. Even if you make a mistake, you apologize in an unapologetic manner. You maintain your dignity and integrity by never adopting a self-loathing self-punishing demeanour. You are audacious and dignified in gracefully admitting fault. If you wronged someone, you offer an apology without excuses. It is undignified to deny ownership of your mistakes and faults by evoking excuses (even when excuses are valid). You instead boldly own your mistakes, as a man should. Plus you take the lead by offering solutions to the harm you may have caused.
Boldly accepting your mistakes doesn’t mean you allow abuse and humiliation against you for whatever wrong you’ve made, even if you are in the wrong. You remain audacious in the face of people who abuse, belittle, and shame you, even if they feel justified in abusing you (especially so). You do not become insecure due to their subjective opinion about you. Instead, you respect their right to a subjective opinion, and you don’t desperately try to defend yourself against their abusive inferences. They can think whatever they want of you. You don’t desperately need to change anyone’s mind because you are audaciously secure in your own conviction. Even if they are right, you still don’t care; you audaciously maintain your self-esteem regardless.
Audacity in the face of your inadequacies, faults and limitations is an empowering trait. Whatever others do to or think of you, you don’t care; you STILL respect yourself regardless. You are audacious in maintaining unwavering and unconditional self-esteem WHATEVER happens to you, and whatever you do.
But this doesn’t mean you are sociopathic, nor that you never admit your wrongs. A man is noble in owning his mistakes, as well as his attempts to rectify them, if possible. Even if you commit the greatest crime, you choose to try and make amends for it, as much as possible, and to commit to grow so that you never do it again. This is how you know you can audaciously respect yourself no matter what; you are noble this way.
Don’t feel like you have to defend or excuse yourself against malicious accusations, suggestions, innuendos. You simply brush them off as bad jokes, using with your audacious resolve. A man is shameless, and he understands that shaming is a manipulation tactic that works only on insecure people susceptible to peer pressure. He is not afraid to be accused of anything, even if the accusations are true. He is audacious in the face of emotional blackmail, threat or expected embarrassment. He can even audaciously admit accusations, and demonstrate that he is unphased, or even entertained, by them.
A man is audacious against implied comparisons with others. Even if he is relatively ugly, weak, short or poor, he doesn’t care; he still values himself, and he is still confident in himself as a whole. He humbly has no delusions of grandeur, but he can respect himself despite acknowledging his limitations and weaknesses. He does not supplicate when compared to his betters. He knows he is not the best, but he doesn’t care who the best is either. He maintains self-regard regardless. This audacious self-esteem by default is what makes him great; even greater than his betters. This is because they rely on their greatness to be great. A man does not need proof of greatness. He just is.
A man has the audacity to admit any and all of his flaws, and to never be ashamed of them. He realizes they are flaws, not because he is shamed or guilt-tripped into doing so, but because he aspires to be better for purpose and meaning; even if he knows he can never be better. If anything, he is satisfied in being strong enough to admit his flaws without shame.
A man cannot be shamed or guilt-tripped by manipulators. He is audacious in the face of those who would shame and guilt-trip him, and he aggravates them with his condescending indifference to their petty tricks. He brushes off insults and shaming as cheap entertainment, even if those insults hold truth. The fact that he audaciously accepts his flaws means that he is not insecure about them, and so they can’t be used to manipulate him. This angers wannabe manipulators who would use insecurity to influence weak males.
Even if he is a loser, he bravely acknowledges it, admits it, accepts it, and has the audacity to be unapologetic about it. He is fine with his drawbacks, and so should everyone else.
A man admits his weaknesses and mistakes unapologetically and audaciously. He is OK in spite of them. If his drawbacks don’t bother him, then they shouldn’t bother anyone else.
7. Bravery & Honesty
A man does not fear the truth. In a world built on lies, he accepts it and speaks it.
We hear than men should be brave, but there is nothing more fundamentally courageous than telling the truth despite the consequences that come with saying it. This is why courage and honesty go hand in hand. To be brave, one must first be honest.
Lying is cowardice. There is no other motivation behind lying other than fear. We lie because we are afraid of the consequences of truth; so we make up a convenient story that keeps everyone happy in their delusion. Even conveniently defined “white lies” come from a place of weakness and fear; fearing how the recipient of the lie might react. Lying is also unfair judgement, because it is an assumption that the recipient of the lie is unable to handle the truth, without knowing for sure. When we lie, we arrogantly assume that the recipients don’t deserve the truth, and we decide for them to deny them the truth.
The first test of bravery is courage in being truthful about what you know, what you feel, and what you believe. A man doesn’t try to ‘hide behind his finger’ with arbitrary lies or omissions of his truth. Omission of truth is also a lie, because it purposefully creatures false assumptions when the truth concerns the recipient, and when he/she would have acted differently having known the truth.
A man is unapologetic about his truth. He audaciously speaks it because it sets everywhere free. Plus, by saying the truth that no one else dares say, he proves that he is bold, because he doesn’t fear upsetting those who’d rather avoid it. Hiding behind lies is an admission of cowardice, unless the lie is what the recipient deserves.
Be the man who audaciously tells the truth, or his truth, at least. Don’t self-censor your opinion, and don’t be afraid to describe the harsh reality about the world, people, and yourself. Be bold and audacious in divulging truth.
Being audaciously honest, despite repercussions from sharing his truth, is what makes a man respectable more than anything.
8. Consistency
A man is defined by what he stands for, and how firmly he stands for it when it matters.
Principles are what define a man’s identity. But just having them is not the same as living by them, and adhering to them consistently, not conveniently. A man honors his morals and principles, and he manifests them in his everyday decisions, regardless of cost. This is because betraying his principles bears the ultimate price: the loss of his identity, and therefore, his sense of self-worth, purpose and meaning. Without consistency, he loses his sense of self-identity, becomes insecure, and renders himself manipulable to deceivers who would tempt him with a pre-packaged identity that benefits only them. Depression and weak resolve are symptoms of a lack of identity.
Stand for something or fall for anything. Without principles and morals, people become manipulable because they have no conviction in themselves. Then again, the same morals and principles can be used to foster a group identity, which also renders weak people manipulable; for example, political and religious ideology alike. So, people can become manipulable if they have no morals or principles, but they can also be manipulable through them. Being manipulable is unmanly, because it means the male is naive, gullible, insecure in his own conviction, and too weak to be skeptical. It means he trusts perceived authority over his own judgment, the latter of which he does not value. It means he is subservient to other people’s conviction more than he trusts his own.
A man freely chooses his morals, principles and ideals because they hold meaning, and they inspire him. He doesn’t follow them just because his religion or state pressured or forced him to. Moral principles have no meaning if they cannot be adopted without force, threat or manipulation. Moral principles are only meaningful if we can reject them without consequence, and still choose to hold them, regardless of sacrifice. The reward of freely choosing the burden of moral principles is a solid unwavering identity, purpose and meaning, and the self-respect that comes with these things. Even if you can’t achieve an inspiring ideal, you still hold it, and you still reach for it regardless, for as much as you can.
Since a man is morally consistent, his behavior is consistent. For example, he expects respect from others, but he also grants the same basic respect to them first. Double standards, cognitive dissonance and convenient hypocrisy are signs of unmanliness because they betray an unprincipled mindset. Weak males apply faux principles only when they are opportune. A man applies his principles even when they go against his immediate interests. This is what makes his principles meaningful, and this is what gives him an unwavering sense of identity, self-esteem and respectability.
9. Dignity & Integrity
A man’s dignity is the measure of his worth.
A man doesn’t bow down to authority, emotional pressure, manipulation, disrespect or abuse. He has dignity more than anything, and doesn’t allow himself to adopt a supplicating frame against anyone. He may have to reluctantly comply under protest when faced with superior collective violence, such as the state. But he does not comply to it in his mind. If he is to be punished or executed for his defiance, he refuses to supplicate to his cowardly abusers who are only “strong” circumstantially and institutionally. Just like William Wallace in ‘Braveheart’, a man refuses to surrender his dignity even in death, and remains integral with regards to his values.
A man holds his integrity especially when the chips are down, which means staying true to his principles even when there is a cost to doing so; especially so. This is the true test of principle.
A man doesn’t do anything undignified, pathetic, petty, or embarrassing, even when no one is watching. And if he does happen to do something embarrassing, he is unapologetic about it. He is only apologetic to himself. He treats his flawed past with audacity and self-respect because he knows he aspires to be better, always.
Integrity means being true to your character and your honor, and not amending your beliefs or behavior to conveniently fit your circumstances, or anyone else. Diplomatic moral fluidity is weak. It is sleazy pathetic behavior. It is unmanly, because it is an undignified cowardly lie.
A man doesn’t behave a certain way just to be liked by others. He behaves as he truly is, even if no one likes him. He does so because he foremost has dignity and integrity of character. He does not adjust his behavior to supplicate to others’ perceived expectations of him. The right people will like him for who he is, while the wrong ones will stay away from him. And this works to his advantage because he surrounds himself with people who value him for his true self.
A man is too dignified to chase people to give him what he wants. He respects himself too much to beg women to love him. His dignity enables him to take rejection with grace, because he knows that rejection is nothing but an admission of incompatibility. He is too dignified to beg. If he makes his best value offering to people, and they still refuse him, then it means he can either improve his value offering, or they are unable to value him. And that’s fine. He is better off without them either way. Rejection has no dire meaning against his worth. His unwavering self-esteem relies not on circumstantial acceptance or rejection that depend on factors that have nothing to do with his self-worth.
For example, a grown man playing a child’s game, like bread-and-circuses pro football, is heavily valued and rewarded by society as a whole. Multi-millionaire professional football players therefore assume they are worthy of anything. Yet this subjective worth relies on the the weakness of many people who are willing to value a childish sport they were never good at, and who crave to idiolize cheap idols because of unresolved daddy issues.
A man doesn’t bow down to anyone, even if he is forced down on his knees. He doesn’t take himself too seriously, but he doesn’t take anyone too seriously either. In fact, he takes everyone else less seriously than himself.
A man doesn’t sell out. His values and principles are not for sale nor subject to intimidation.
10. Focus
Masculinity is about focus on what is meaningful and ideal. A man is determined to achieve his purpose in life, no matter what.
A man has a strong focus on a purpose and meaning greater than himself. This comes from his values, principles and ideals, which give him his identity, aspirations, purpose, and meaning. Resilience against adversity, and unwavering determination to achieve what is meaningful to him, are the elements of masculine drive.
A man doesn’t easily buckle under pressure because his is determined and motivated by his identity. Losing his drive would mean losing who he is.
A man is strong in his goals, but he is also flexible to re-assess and course-correct his strategy when he receives new information, or when he realizes that his initial goals were incongruent with his principles after all. Determination does not mean autistic inflexibility and blind fixation. A man is confident enough to challenge himself and his beliefs without compromising his self-esteem. So, he can question his path and his motivations along the way, as long as he remains honest and true to principle. He can even periodically challenge his own principles. He seeks to know whether he derives his motivation from his base values and ideals, or he was influenced by group identities, childhood trauma, and manipulation tactics.
11. Strength & Kindness
A man cannot be strong unless he is unafraid to be kind without fear of being weak.
You cannot be kind unless you have the power to do harm without consequence, and still choose to not do harm. You cannot be strong when you harm people in a desperate attempt to validate your insecurities through dominance. Strong people have the ability to harm people, but they do not need to harm anyone (unless in direct self-defense). A man does not initiate aggression, even though he could. This makes his choice of kindness all the more meaningful. When a weak male is peaceful, it is meaningless, because he has no ability to harm and choose to be peaceful regardless; he has no choice but to be peaceful. So we don’t know where he’d choose to be peaceful if he ever gets power over others.
Those who initiate aggression aren’t kind nor strong. They let their insecurities control them and direct them towards violence as a desperate attempt to gain validation through pathetic power trips. Aggression is a cope for insecurity. Desperate needs for validation are unmanly. Aggressive males are not masculine; they are broken little boys with twisted delusions of manhood. They desperately need to be aggressive to perhaps “prove” they are strong men; but this desperate need only proves they are not.
Yes, men must be strong, physically, emotionally and intellectually, to be able to resist adversity, and to defend themselves and their people against aggression. But defense can only be against direct aggression, not arbitrarily defined threats, incitement, implied aggression or petty pretentious offense. A male who pretends to be attacked, when he is not, is truly not a man; he is a coward reaching for victimhood privilege, like a beggar, or a manipulative woman that no one wants.
12. Male Archetypes (King, Warrior, Magician, Lover, Trickster, Wildman, Peacemaker)
A man is equally a king, warrior, magician, lover, trickster, wildman, peacemaker.
Carl Jung and others noticed certain male archetypes emerge as patterns in myths, legends and literature in every single culture. These were, in his words, “a manifestation of the collective unconscious.” We deep-down know what a man is, but we lack the clarity to put it in words. So, masculine traits unconsciously manifest themselves in artful expression: king, warrior, magician, lover, trickster, wildman, peacemaker.
A man is a king; a leader who can inspire, protect, guide, unite. He is also accountable for his actions and the actions of those under his wing. He takes no credit for the achievements of his people, and he leads by example and voluntary choice, not by force.
A man is a warrior; he doesn’t allow fear to stop him from doing what he must, and he has a powerful focus. He is a warrior because he is not afraid to make sacrifices in the pursuit of his goals. He is a destroyer of his dreams, and his relationships, if he must, and he does so unapologetically, and bravely, without looking back. He has resolve.
A man is a magician; he works hard to achieve crafts and skills that help him overcome his challenges, and provide for himself and his people. He is intelligent, and he finds innovative solutions to unique problems. He commits to and identifies with his skill-set.
A man is a lover; he maintains a certain natural spontaneity, innocence and playfulness. He loves women, and he is brave in accepting his emotions; he does not deny them. He appreciates the arts, and he is not afraid to admit his vulnerabilities.
A man is a trickster; he can tease and hustle, and he plays the game of life like a master. Part of his charm is his devilish playfulness and diplomacy, as long as he doesn’t harm or manipulate those who don’t deserve it. He is funny, sarcastic, aloof, and indifferent. He cannot be offended, and he is entertained by his enemies’ attempts to belittle and subvert him. He is witty, eloquent, perceptive, and skeptical. He cannot be manipulated.
A man is a wildman; he controls his emotions, and especially anger, but when he has to use his anger to acknowledge what is wrong in his life, he does so unapologetically. Uncontrolled anger is not a masculine trait. However, denying anger is also cowardice. Instead, accepting and observing anger without judgment can give valuable insight over inconsistencies in his life: who is abusing him, who is manipulating him, what is he doing wrong, what could he be doing right? Acting in anger may be poor decision making. But taking anger into account can be helpful in making hard choices.
A man is a peacemaker; a man has the mental fortitude, patience and negotiation skills to make peace with others; and with himself. He can also work as an intermediary to make peace between others. A man understand that he can offer more value to his enemies as a trading partner than as a conquered enemy. So he finds a way to give them the incentive to work with him, rather than fight him. He can only do this if he is empathetic and humble enough to recognize the motivations of his opponents, and to try to satisfy their base motivations, rather than their demands. By considering why they want what they want, he can create new solutions that satisfy their why without compromising his. This is the core of all negotiation.
Masculinity figures out innovative solutions to conflicts, disputes and disagreements. Violence is the absolute last resort, and only in self-defense. This is because the gains from violence is never worth the cost. Making war is easy. Creating peace is hard.
Recommended reading:
‘King Warrior Magician Lover’ by Moore, Robert, Gillette
‘Red Knight’ by Aslen Claymore
13. Love & Respect
A man knows whom to love and whom to respect.
A man is able to love and endear women and children. Conversely, a woman is able to respect and admire men. Men respect other men more than women. Women love children and other women more than men. Love songs are primarily written by men for women exactly because men love women, and they need to show it in the form of endearment in art. Sassy songs are written primarily by women for men exactly because women respect men, and they need to show it in the form of passive aggression in art (aggression is respect because it is recognition).
A man loves women and children more than he respects them, and he respects respectable men more than he loves them. He is very careful about whom and what he respects. He gives love abundantly, but he grants respect scarcely.
A man shows basic fundamental respect for people in that he does not feel pity for them, despite their debilitation (unless they have worked hard to lose his respect for them). He understands that pity is feeling sorry for others, and it is disrespectful towards them. He also understands that feeling sorry for others makes him extremely susceptible to manipulation, but manipulators pretend to be victims to get privileged treatment, and to get him to sacrifice himself for them. Also, feeling sorry for people is insecure vanity because it assumes that you’re better than them if you are in a position to pity them.
14. Stoicism
The masculine temperament is that of self-control, calmness and balance.
A man is cool, calm, indifferent. He appreciates the tragicomical nature of life. He doesn’t panic, and doesn’t lose control of his emotions, even when facing immediate danger. He is aloof when faced with threats or blackmail. Insults cannot hurt him, and he is too superior to deal with the pettiness of one-upping someone who desperately feels the need to one-up everyone.
A man is relaxed, comfortable and fine with himself wherever he is, under whatever circumstances. Even when he feels awkward, he feels comfortable in awkwardness.
Being indifferent doesn’t mean being insensitive, inconsiderate or sociopathic. It means being able to control negative emotions, rather than letting them control you. It means being able to choose which feelings to value, and which to disregard as mere chemical reactions to adversity. It means knowing which feelings bear meaning, and which don’t.
A man does not deny his feelings; he accepts them without judgment, but also acts with logic rather than uncontrolled emotion.
A man is not irritated easily. He is not aggravated easily, and very few things are important enough to spoil his mood. He doesn’t value abusers enough to take their insults seriously, or take their abuse as meaningful.
A man doesn’t feel the need to be loud and obnoxious in a desperate cry for attention. He understands that the loudest doggies are the smallest ones; all bark, no bite.
A man masters his vices, and respects himself too much to allow his fall into uncontrollable addiction. He has self-discipline, and he understands that self-discipline is the only form of discipline. Discipline to others is submissive obedience, and it is not masculine at all.
15. Self-Respect
A man knows he is worthy of respect, not because he receives praise from anyone, but because he stands firm to who he is.
A man respects himself, not out of deluded narcissism, but because he knows he holds firmly his principles, values, virtues, ideals and morals, which are the things that give him identity, self-determination, self-actualization, purpose and meaning. He does not tolerate disrespect by anyone, yet he doesn’t react aggressively to disrespect.
Disrespect comes from weak people, so it means nothing to him. Aggression is weakness. Instead, he coolly calls out disrespect, and he calmly warns that any disrespect will waive the luxury of his company or cooperation. He is willing to sever or put on ice any relationship or cooperation with the slightest disrespect against him, regardless of the cost. In times of momentary disadvantage, he can reluctantly endure disrespect until the opportune time when he can reciprocate and/or distance himself from weak aggressors. But he never internalizes disrespect, because he knows he does not deserve it.
Self-respect is also honoring your body and mind, and avoiding lifestyles and substances that harm either or both. A man hones his mind with intellectual stimulation; absorbing verifiable knowledge and insight, and practicing intellectual skills. He also strengthens his body through well-rounded workouts, as well as practicing physical skills (self-defense, manual labor). There is no minimum age or age limit to honoring body and mind.
16. Self-Ownership
Beyond self-improvement lies self-ownership.
A man is free from manipulation, dogma, brainwashing, peer pressure, shaming, guilt-tripping, emotional blackmail, threats, and abuse. He owns his thoughts, decisions and will because he frees them from overt or covert influences from others.
A man also understands his psycho-dynamics, the neural pathways or mental architectures that define his mental processes. These road maps of the mind are all deterministic, since they were formed either by genetics or random life experiences. He is humble enough to understand and accept that he cannot have free will; not really. Yet he sees that perhaps the only measure of freedom he can have is recognizing that he is unfree, and seeing the prison of his nature for what it is. Acknowledging this gives him awareness over his “programming”. This self-awareness may be the only freedom we can possible have; and it’s enough.
Believing that you have free will when you don’t is akin to being a slave while thinking you are free; it is self-unawareness. A man is courageous enough to admit that he cannot be free. This is perhaps the only approximation of self-ownership that we can achieve.
17. Grace & Nobility
The most enjoyable perk of manhood is class.
A man is graceful, noble, honorable and classy. He is respectable because he respects others, and himself.
A man gracefully accepts compliments and gifts, without putting himself down by assuming he does not deserve them. It doesn’t matter if he deserves gratuities; he accepts and thanks in grace regardless. He doesn't feel pressured or obligated to reciprocate gifts or compliments, unless he truly feels like it.
He is noble in giving people the benefit of the doubt, and he defends them when they are not present. He is noble enough to reject a woman’s advances when he is not into her for the long-term. This is because he does not feel the need to bed as many women as possible in a desperate pathetic attempt to "measure his manhood" by counting notches on his belt, and increasing his body count. He knows that volume of cheap passive partners eats away at his chance of getting that one quality girl that he ends up connecting with. He knows that the more women he sleeps with, the less he will be able to emotionally invest in the mother of his children. And this is a betrayal to her and his future children.
He is classy in his demeanor, and graceful in victory or defeat. He is above anything petty.
His stance, body language, mannerisms, dress code, voice tonality, behavioral framing, all denote self-respect, grace, nobility and masculine class.
18. Fatherhood
The culmination of all masculine traits is the ability of a man to be a true partner to a quality woman, and to father quality people.
A man dates with intention to marry, procreate and be an engaging, supporting, encouraging and empowering father. He doesn’t date to accumulate notches on his belt like an insecure boy who presumes that manhood is defined by the number of lowly insecure concubines he’s managed to bed. A man doesn’t need that kind of cheap quantity validation from people who’s opinion doesn’t matter. A man knows that the only validation he needs is managing to get (early in his life) a quality woman who is modest, loving, devoted, compassionate, supportive, chaste, innocent, smart and respectful. There’s way more value a woman can offer other than just sex. Women who think sex is their greatest value are the least valuable of them all. Men who think that the greatest value in a woman is sex objectify women, and they objectify themselves. They project their own lack of core value onto the value-less women they pursue. A man knows he has more value to give other than sex, so he seeks this value in a woman too.
A man knows how to appreciate the good women, and how to ignore the sex-obsessed females who showcase their sexiness only because they have nothing else going for them. A man knows that the ultimate form of manhood is being a father who provides resources, support, time, engagement and mentorship to his children. Fathering children that are self-reliant and empowered is the ultimate test of manhood. Being a good father is the purpose of masculinity. Being a bad father, a neglectful father, or a weak father, is proof of lack of masculinity. A good father teaches his children to be strong, and makes them always feel safe with him. He shows them that whatever adversity they face in life, they can fall back to the approval, and unconditional acceptance and support of their father. This builds in children a mental cushion, which makes them strong, resilient, and safe. He never abuses his children, because there is no excuse for child abuse. He instead shows them what is right by him being right. He also talks with them, engages with them, incentivizes them to be good, and explains to them why it is in their best interest to be good. He doesn’t neglect them when they need him. He patiently supports them, and he understands that he owes them everything, while they owe him nothing; he is humble in accepting this. He nurtures their character, mentors them, is patient with them. This is because he is strong enough to humbly admit that he decided to make them, and so he owes them the best childhood experience he can give them. Only insecure weaklings presume that their children owe them. Children are innocent; they don’t owe anything. A man doesn’t need to be owed, especially from his own children.
Lastly, a manly father accepts full responsibility for the mistakes of this children, but accepts none of the credit for their achievements. It is petty to claim borrowed glory from your children. Leaders accept accountability for their people, but claim none of the glory.
A boy becomes a man… a man gives life to a boy… and the cycle goes on.
To sum up, a man stands for something bigger than himself, and stands up for himself, his people, his beliefs, his rights, his ideals. A man is principled. Unfortunately, standing for a religion or a political ideology is not manliness because these are collectivist identities that deny the masculine individual, and enforce principles through threat and emotional blackmail, instead of the virtue of free choice. A man does not surrender passively to the determinism of a group identity. He chooses to determine himself, and to own himself. He is active in the pursuit of his self-ownership and self-mastery, and he understands that group identities are passive subservience. A man is not a supplicating gimp. A man is a free lion. Even if he can’t be free physically, he aims to be free in his mind, and to own his will.
Be a man, not an insecure boy. In the age of information, this is a choice. You don’t need validation from others; only from yourself. To get validation from yourself, be consistent with your values, principles, virtues, ideals, morals. Aspire to do good that is greater than yourself. Take shit from no one, but don’t be petty. Brush off insults and offense as meaninglessness. Be noble, and be above insignificant annoyances. Respect yourself, assert your rights, and don’t be afraid to end any relationship at any given time. Being OK without relationships is what makes your relationships meaningful.
Be skeptical, and don’t be naive or gullible. Trust your own judgment more than the judgment of those claiming to know better than you. Have dignity and integrity above all else. Stand for something, or fall for anything.
And what’s great is that even women can abide by the above traits without sacrificing their femininity; all except leadership. Women influence and inspire indirectly more than they lead directly. This is how a feminine woman fits perfectly with a masculine man.
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