I have spent most of my adult life transforming shame generated by childhood abuse, both emotional and sexual.
Shame is the absolute zero, the cold of space of emotional energy.
Healing shame is sacred work. If one tries to “white knuckle” their wounds, it doesn’t work.
John Bradshaw was the guy that opened the door for me. He laid out the family as a system of organized dysfunction, most of the time going back generations.
“A person with internalized shame believes he is inherently flawed, inferior and defective.Such a feeling is so painful that defending scripts (or strategies) are developed to cover it up. These scripts are the roots of violence, criminality, war and all forms of addiction.”
Very factual article. Just like to add a couple of points: more often than not the abuser is the father. If the abuse is sexual, the child is no longer able to accept the parent in the father’s role. He/she looks up to any person in a position of authority to fill the father’s role and places this alternate father on a pedestal and behaves obsequiously. The second issue is late onset of maturity- not physical - that runs its own course. While the identity/ independent phase in most cases happens before 30, in cases of these abused individuals, the identity/ independent phase can happen as late as at 50. This individuals more often than not turn out counter-dependent, I.e. anti-authority, basically a teenage rebellion phenomenon acting out in a very delayed manner. Obviously, these individuals can never be leaders and they generally mess up their career because of maladjustment.
I actually find that this delayed independence was a gift. My father was very influential and desired to open many doors for me, and I “failed” to take advantage of these “opportunities”.
My father worked behind these doors in very dark rooms filled with lies. And, I knew that instinctively. So I made choices unconsciously incompetently to survive. I stayed out of the worst part of his world; it was not a match for me.
Hopeless-not sure, I am sure some timely intervention could help the individual change course. But if there is no intervention, the individual continues to do things he/she is not proud of. Ultimately, there is immense regret and unhappiness. The abuse cycle-it is very difficult to get of this out of this recursive disaster by yourself.
I don't think it's accurate to say that a higher percentage of fathers are abusive compared to mothers.
If you delve into the literature on child abuse, or violence in general, females are just as violent as males - the issue is that male violence is more visible.
I don't think I said "a higher percentage of fathers are abusive compared to mothers." I don't know which is higher, but if I had to guess, I'd say more mothers tend to be abusive, but abusive fathers are more abusive than abusive mothers. But it's not a competition.
I was attempting to respond to sram54, who did make that claim - I'm still figuring out substack and hopefully I'm actually replying to your comment now.
I tend to agree with you. In most patriarchal societies, the role of women in perpetrating injustice and even violence against women is significant (e.g. FGM)- this is institutionalized abuse. In the western context though, where abuse is not institutionalized, but driven by might is right, I would tend to think, fathers could be the principal abuser - just a hunch, not backed by research.
In any case, it doesn’t matter where the abuse comes from. It’s traumatizing either way. We want to end it at least minimize child abuse, especially the supposedly “justified” abuse of spanking and telling off.
The Western Empire (NATO & friends) has a loooong way to go in order to reach educational levels since long practiced by some folks they haughtily call "primitives" ...
Great article SR.
I have spent most of my adult life transforming shame generated by childhood abuse, both emotional and sexual.
Shame is the absolute zero, the cold of space of emotional energy.
Healing shame is sacred work. If one tries to “white knuckle” their wounds, it doesn’t work.
John Bradshaw was the guy that opened the door for me. He laid out the family as a system of organized dysfunction, most of the time going back generations.
“A person with internalized shame believes he is inherently flawed, inferior and defective.Such a feeling is so painful that defending scripts (or strategies) are developed to cover it up. These scripts are the roots of violence, criminality, war and all forms of addiction.”
John Bradshaw, Healing the Shame that Binds You
Excellent comment, thank you. Bradshaw has been a great influence on me. We only need to spread the word to help others just like we were helped.
Very factual article. Just like to add a couple of points: more often than not the abuser is the father. If the abuse is sexual, the child is no longer able to accept the parent in the father’s role. He/she looks up to any person in a position of authority to fill the father’s role and places this alternate father on a pedestal and behaves obsequiously. The second issue is late onset of maturity- not physical - that runs its own course. While the identity/ independent phase in most cases happens before 30, in cases of these abused individuals, the identity/ independent phase can happen as late as at 50. This individuals more often than not turn out counter-dependent, I.e. anti-authority, basically a teenage rebellion phenomenon acting out in a very delayed manner. Obviously, these individuals can never be leaders and they generally mess up their career because of maladjustment.
I find that is the case for me. Good observation.
I actually find that this delayed independence was a gift. My father was very influential and desired to open many doors for me, and I “failed” to take advantage of these “opportunities”.
My father worked behind these doors in very dark rooms filled with lies. And, I knew that instinctively. So I made choices unconsciously incompetently to survive. I stayed out of the worst part of his world; it was not a match for me.
Sometimes when we lose, we win.
Nice comment. Thank you.
Hopeless-not sure, I am sure some timely intervention could help the individual change course. But if there is no intervention, the individual continues to do things he/she is not proud of. Ultimately, there is immense regret and unhappiness. The abuse cycle-it is very difficult to get of this out of this recursive disaster by yourself.
Thank you for the added information. Abuse is indeed life-destroying. It’s often hopeless. What do you think?
I don't think it's accurate to say that a higher percentage of fathers are abusive compared to mothers.
If you delve into the literature on child abuse, or violence in general, females are just as violent as males - the issue is that male violence is more visible.
For example:
https://open.substack.com/pub/sigmagame/p/pedestalization-societal-level?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=2lqjo8
I don't think I said "a higher percentage of fathers are abusive compared to mothers." I don't know which is higher, but if I had to guess, I'd say more mothers tend to be abusive, but abusive fathers are more abusive than abusive mothers. But it's not a competition.
Sorry about that, you didn't make that claim.
I was attempting to respond to sram54, who did make that claim - I'm still figuring out substack and hopefully I'm actually replying to your comment now.
I agree with everything you said in article.
Yes, substack comments can be annoying. Had a few similar misunderstandings too
Substack threads are like California's 6-laned highways:
To keep safe at all times, stubbornly follow the same vertical line ... 🤣🤣🤣
I tend to agree with you. In most patriarchal societies, the role of women in perpetrating injustice and even violence against women is significant (e.g. FGM)- this is institutionalized abuse. In the western context though, where abuse is not institutionalized, but driven by might is right, I would tend to think, fathers could be the principal abuser - just a hunch, not backed by research.
In any case, it doesn’t matter where the abuse comes from. It’s traumatizing either way. We want to end it at least minimize child abuse, especially the supposedly “justified” abuse of spanking and telling off.
This is very good, much closer to the way things actually work.
Thank you. Not sure what you mean
G R E A T article indeed !!! 👍👍👍 🔥🔥🔥 ✨✨✨
The Western Empire (NATO & friends) has a loooong way to go in order to reach educational levels since long practiced by some folks they haughtily call "primitives" ...
I hope those people are not defined by arbitrary groupings such as “NATO”