When people open their hearts to you...

...listening says more than talking

I admire the grandiose hypocrisy of people too eager to self-righteously exclaim, “I wish he had said something” after someone takes his own life.

Really? He did try to say something. But you avoided him and called him “negative”, “pessimistic”, and “whiney”. You complained that he was “complaining” when he just sought scarce compassion and permission to like himself. You told him he was being weak and was only looking for excuses for his failure in a life of misfortune; misfortune nobody chose. And you neglected to give him credit for his unfair circumstances in fear of admitting your favourable ones.

Please, read this post to the end because it might just help prevent the next tragedy in your life.

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Whenever someone takes his or her life, I know for a fact that he or she was surrounded by shit people; the shittiest of people who wouldn’t listen, and would even blame the sick for the sickness.

“Stop complaining. Man up! You think I had it better? I had it much worse.. me, me, me! You have it all, young lady, and you’re still complaining?”

This is the kind of talk that isolates people, further entrenching them in their belief that they are truly alone, that they cannot be understood in this world, that they don’t deserve anything, let alone redemption. This visceral rejection is what convinces them that this world is not for them. I don’t believe anyone surrounded by good people has depression or consistent thoughts of suicide.

Yes, there are people who just love to complain, who relish the attention of drama and victimhood, people who will deplete your time and energy dumping their emotions on you, without wanting to hear anything from you. Yet not everyone opening their heart to you does do for pity points.

There are those who seek your reassurance and permission to love themselves. In their vulnerable state, they wish to change their self-image with your help, as long as you give them credit for their struggles. All they’re looking for is something that could even save their lives, if only you would listen, acknowledge, and reassure.

Why?

People try to share their problems with you all the time. If they’re just not looking for sympathy from pity, for victimhood privilege and attention, then what are they after?

Redemption. They’re reaching for redemption, and they value you enough to believe that perhaps you can give them some. You are that important to them. Your acceptance or rejection could mean the world to them.

One of the most emotional scenes in media was in one of the last episodes of Cobra Kai, where Johnny confronts his sensei after 35 years. Sure, you might laugh at a 52-year-old guy crying to an older man about a traumatic experience decades ago. This is just a lack of compassion or of understanding psychodynamics, the cascading domino of a butterfly effect, one tiny impulse that can end up building or destroying a life. And if you throw “free will” as a supposed rebuttal, then you have to concede that there is no free will, since you admit that others were somehow able to make better decisions by default. “Free will” is another term for “I’m better than you”.

In the Cobra Kai example, one traumatic experience from someone he trusted was enough to send a 17-year-old kid into a spiral of self-doubt, abandonment, and distrust. Who can recover from that when it creates the conditions for even more failures down the line? And all because he was abused and abandoned by someone he held dear, his only source of safety and self-regard at the time.

How is he “complaining” when all he wants is just some credit for his misfortune, some recognition that he “missed the starting gun”, that he had more against him than those with whom he is forced to compare? How is it “whining” when all he wants is recognition for enduring unfavourable circumstances that most don’t? How is he “pessimistic” when he is accountable enough to systematically call himself “a loser” for the failures he was set up and inevitably doomed to suffer? How is he a “doomer” when he holds himself to higher standards, enough to suffer for having been denied opportunity and recognition?

And what happened in the scene? His remorseful sensei gave him the credit he needed. The sensei admitted fault without any excuses. He gave Johnny credit for suffering and for doing as well as he had, considering the unfair circumstances Johnny had to wrestle with. The sensei also offered to redeem himself, which he does, in the end, with his life.

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No. They’re not “complaining”. If you say they are, you are the one complaining, due to your inability to show compassion or humility in giving people deserved credit for their suffering.

They are struggling to dissociate themselves from their mistakes, from their trauma, from their false self. They’re not looking for “excuses”. They are looking for some credit for their misfortune, to be recognised for doing OK considering their disadvantages or late start. They seek the strength to endure, strength that can only come from your admission that they weren’t to blame for the hardships that kept them down. Sure, hold them accountable, don’t give them excuses, but give them the gift of an recognition. They don’t need excuses, but they want explanations.

All they seek is for you, someone they value, to recognise those misfortunes, the bad hand they were dealt. They want to hear you acknowledge that they truly did find themselves in unfavourable circumstances, that they didn’t deserve them, and that those circumstances don’t get to define them; not anymore.

What to do

When someone who values you tries to open their heart to you, then you must listen, acknowledge, and reassure (assuming you care). Give them the benefit of the doubt. Humble yourself in recognition of their suffering. Give them credit for their misfortune. Let them know that their mistakes don’t define them. Show them respect for the bad hand they were dealt. Give them permission to respect themselves for doing well, considering. That’s all. And you might just help save a life.

1. Listen

Don’t just hear them. Listen to them. Really look in their eyes, pay attention to what they say, and ask them to elaborate more. Make them understand that you empathise. Take in what you hear, and pay attention. Show compassion and understanding, and give them the benefit of the doubt. Be non-judgmental. Show interest. Show that you value them. Show some fucking empathy. They value you enough to open themselves to you, to expose themselves, and stand vulnerable at the mercy of your judgement or deliverance.

2. Acknowledge

Recognise their misfortune and never try to compare with your own misfortunes, as if you had it worse. You didn’t, otherwise they wouldn’t be coming to you. If you make light of their pain and struggles, if you try to compare and make it about you, pretending you had it worse but came up on top despite it, then you only help solidify their destructive self-image. They came to you looking for some credit for their misfortune, and not only do you deny them that, but you go out of your way to infer that they are fundamentally and definitively incompetent, that they had it better than you, and managed to mess things up regardless.

This isn’t a competition. When people come to you looking for help redefining themselves, they are vulnerable, exposed, and malleable. They trust you to do this. Don’t betray that trust.

Instead, recognise their misfortune. Let them know that you see it, acknowledge it, and take note of it. Prove your acknowledgement with some humility: tell them that you don’t know how you’d respond if you had the same misfortune. Let them know that you would have probably messed things up under the same circumstances, if not done things even worse.

Acknowledge how unfair life was to them. This might be enough for them to begin detaching their self-image from their misfortunes. This is not about avoiding their responsibility for their lives. It’s about helping them see that their misfortunes were exogenous, and thus, these misfortunes don’t get to define them. What better way to improve and never commit the same mistakes under similar misfortunes?

If you are afraid that giving them the benefit of the doubt will somehow absolve them of the crimes they committed under those misfortunes, then consider the alternative of not acknowledging those misfortunes. What are they to think now? They will carry on identifying with the circumstances under which they made those mistakes. They will keep making them, as the self keeps looking for self-verification. And you enable them in self-destruction.

Be empathetic. Let them know that the horrible things they did under their misfortune cannot define them, since they were under unfair and unfavourable circumstances. However, they are still responsible and have to somehow try to make amends for them. They are still responsible; someone has to be. The people they hurt under those circumstances did not deserve their misfortune either.

You generally want to communicate this:

“I am so sorry you had to go through all that. Nobody deserves that. I don’t know what I’d do under the same shit conditions. The mistakes you made cannot define you because you recognise them as mistakes. This is an explanation, not an excuse. You are still responsible for the mistakes you made since this is your life. Unfortunately, there is no turning back time. For whatever time you have left on this earth, at least try to be the true you as much as you can. Don’t hurt others anymore. As penance, try to help others with what you’ve learned from your Odyssey. At the end, you can’t change your misfortunes, which will always haunt you. But you can try to see who you can be despite them. That’s a worthwhile reason to get out of bed in the morning: humble and pure, refusing to be defined by your harsh environment, but instead, by how you react to it.”

“Your mistakes do not define you, they tell you who you’re not.”

— 3 Doors Down

3. Reassure

Let them know that they did not deserve their misfortune. Let them know that you understand their exonerating circumstances, and that you don’t hate or disrespect them for their failures. If anything, you respect them even more for doing great considering all those unfavourable circumstances.

This is why the Paralympics are more fascinating than “normal” competitions. Disabled sports are people doing their best despite the burden of misfortunes they never chose. When we cheer for them, we celebrate their effort despite fighting an uphill battle. We don’t give them “excuses” for not reaching peak performance. We admire their effort despite their crippling misfortune. We show them respect for doing well despite being held back by circumstances they were never to blame for. And we acknowledge that we would not even come close had we the same afflictions. In sports, we recognise the physical advantage of men over women, as well as weight classes, age classes, and ability.

Similarly, we must recognise in people their relative performance in life, not just their nominal one. For exammple, a woman who was systematically raped and psychologically abused as a child grows up to be relatively balanced, compassionate, loving, and with a steady mediocre job; this is a hell of an accomplishment compared to big-shots who grew up with loving, encouraging parents, attention, guidance, and good money for a splendid education; and all the social lubrication that comes with all that.

Even in courts of law, we recognise exonerating circumstances so that we show compassion and leniency before condemning someone against a crime committed. Circumstances and context do matter.

Reassure them that it’s not their fault; just their responsibility. Reassure them that they can hold themselves accountable, but they should not blame or punish themselves for their mistakes. Their recognition of those mistakes, the guilt (that misalignment with their true self) is punishment enough, not to mention the regret from opportunities lost to misfortune. Their guilt is proof that their heart is in the right place. So, they don’t need self-hatred on top of their misfortune. They don’t need to carry on identifying with those misfortunes and the mistakes made under those misfortunes.

Reassure them that the horribleness they made under those unfair circumstances of life cannot define them, otherwise, they wouldn’t feel guilty over them. Let them know that those mistakes only made clear who they are not, and they can now know better who they are.

“You are not to blame. Yes, you are responsible for your actions and for your life, but you are not to blame for your misfortunes. Your misfortunes are exonerating circumstances. You deserve leniency. You deserve credit for the unfair battles you lost. You are not your misfortunes. You are not your mistakes. You are your ethical perseverance fighting through those ghastly misfortunes.”

Obligations

Sure, it’s not your obligation to listen to anyone. I know it takes effort and energy, and we don’t have to give our time and energy to emotional vampires who keep complaining and won’t listen back.

Even if someone values you enough to simply want some recognition from you, you still don’t have to give it. Just know that she thought of you as someone important enough to her; someone with enough gravitas to perhaps grant her permission to improve her self-image, to dissociate from her misfortune and mistakes, to improve.

You can help people only if that is aligned with your values. You have no obligation to help anyone. But you also have no liberty to psychologically abuse people, especially in a vulnerable state, when they open their hearts to you. You don’t have the right to shame them, ridicule them, guilt-trip them, and berate them. That just makes you an asshole.

How to know who needs attention and who wants redemption

Attention-seeking drama queens have no self-accountability. They’re not looking for explanations; they are looking for excuses. They’re not seeking redemption; they need justification to keep doing what they’re doing, because it’s what they like doing.

If they are true, they need recognition for their misfortune as something separate from them, so that they can dissociate with it. They want to detach from their self-identity the things that held them down and made their life journey harder than most. They still hold themselves accountable for their mistakes, since those were within their power to avoid. If they are true, they learn from those mistakes, and they commit to never doing them again. Meaningful change can only come with self-reflection and accountability.

If they are not willing to change for the better, or have not changed, and they just want to rant about their misfortunes, then yes, they’re just complaining. If they have not learned from their misfortunes, then they are not ready to be detached from them. They still identify with them, and unfortunately, you can’t help them.

Those who are true, though, have learned from the pain of their misfortune. They understand how they could have responded differently to it, had they known better. And they are ready to change, if they can just get some verification from you that their misfortunes weren’t their fault, that they did not deserve the unfavourable circumstances that befell them. They need you to validate this thought, so they can move on.

Key takeaways

Complaining about people “complaining” only entrenches them in self-blame. Show some compassion. Give them the benefit of the doubt and listen. You might just be the catalyst for someone getting back on their feet.

Filter the emotional vampires who love to complain from those who just want help detaching their identity from their misfortune and mistakes. You can tell the latter by their willingness to accept self-accountability. With your help, they can move from self-blame and self-punishment to only holding themselves responsible, even though they were not to blame for their misfortune and their unfavourable circumstances.

Recognise their misfortunes, give them credit for their perseverance, and for doing relatively good considering their uphill battles.

Respect them for going head-on into losing battles they never stood a chance at winning.

Tell them you’re sorry they had to go through that, and that they didn’t deserve such unfavourable conditions.

Then perhaps they can begin to see themselves, not as failures, but as warriors who fought against all odds, kept losing, and kept rising for more.

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