Toxic positivity & self-punishment
Toxic positivity & self-punishment
Give yourself some credit for the rough path you find yourself on
It’s more tempting for the fortunate to attribute all of their success to themselves than for the unfortunate to blame their failures on everything else.
Those that as circumstantially fortunate prefer not to acknowledge what random external factors contributed to their bliss; to do so would mean discarding their identity as a winner, and thus opening the gate to impostor syndrome. Who else would they be without their successes? Would they see themselves as winners had they recognized their unearned blisses?
You find these ‘fortunates’ ( those who attribute all of their success to themselves) in regions of the world where it just so happens that economic activity and opportunity are already vibrant. They benefit from random opportunities of good parenting, solid networking, superior genes, blind-luck scholarships, exposure to insider knowledge, or opportune hereditary mentoring - then attribute the entirety of their success onto themselves and themselves alone. I wonder how accountable they truly are when they can’t even admit to themselves the good hand they were dealt - when they can’t account for what they aren’t accountable.
The unfortunate, on the other hand, also have an incentive to blame their misfortune on the external - on something they were not responsible for. But there are some who understand that, the more they hold themselves accountable for things they could actually have controlled, then the more control they have over their lives. If they keep denying responsibility for everything, then they miss the parts of life where they could and can actually make a difference. So, the unfortunate have an incentive to be more responsible for their lives than the fortunate.
The fortunate claims full credit for his success, even though he wasn’t fully responsible for it. Conversely, the unfortunate seeks to separate his own failures from his hostile environment for two reasons: one, to see what he can actually control, and two, to avoid internalizing his failures, and thus not identity with them.
There is a difference between holding yourself accountable and blaming yourself in self-righteous masochistic self-punishment. Some will try to aggressively blame you for your mistakes, instead of just holding you accountable. The former is debilitating; the latter empowering.
Those who identify with their fortune, and refuse to acknowledge the good hands they were dealt (luck that was beyond their control), are dangerous. They are the toxic motivators, the people who pretend that everything is your fault (instead of your responsibility), because they want to presume that every success they had was due to them and them alone. They aren’t accountable - they are just stealing credit where credit isn’t due. If they refuse to recognize their favorable environment, then they cannot hold themselves accountable for anything. These people are toxic - they can convince you that things beyond your agency are your fault.
They claim that “they worked hard” for what they have, and that may be true. But if you have a rare opportunity, then hard work is easy. People tend to work hard when they are handed unique opportunity. People don’t work hard when they don’t see a point, when they don’t believe their efforts will bear fruit.
Hard work isn’t the catalyst to success - opportunity is, and always will be. We need accountability to acknowledge this.
Self-accountability is commendable but only in the areas for which you are actually accountable. Punishing yourself for what was beyond you is not brave nor useful - it’s foolish and pretentious.
The irony is that those who claim credit for all their success refuse to recognize their random luck in life, which means they aren’t grateful for it. If they can’t be grateful for their blessings (unearned favorable circumstances beyond their control), then they don’t appreciate them - so they don’t value or enjoy them. And these ingrates are the ones with the gall to demand from you to be grateful for less.
Most of the time, people in despair share their problems to get some understanding and recognition for their suffering - that’s all. They aren’t trying to reject their responsibility by blaming someone for their affliction. They aren’t looking for validation of their victimhood. They aren’t whining to get sympathy from pity, nor to drama-brag for victim supremacy or free handouts. Yes, manipulators do exploit their pretend-victimhood and your self-righteous need to virtue signal, so that they can manipulate you. But most people are more dignified than that (I hope).
Do not rush to deem someone as a pretend-victim when he simply asks for you to acknowledge his suffering. All he wants is your recognition of his troubles so that he can separate his mistakes from his identity. He needs you to recognize his misfortune so that he can stop identifying with it. He needs you to verify the misfortunes that befell him, so that he knows he is not unjustly judged for for. Because when you assign agency to them that isn’t really theirs, you force them to internalize their misfortune, and so they blame themselves for what wasn’t really their responsibility. Nothing debilitates them more.
This is why we have weight classes, age groups, and gender divisions in sports. It isn’t giving people special privileges, or sympathy from pity, or condescending participation trophies. It is understanding and recognizing how certain people have certain advantages and disadvantages by nature, and that it is not fair to compare everyone on the same basis - especially with things that were nor earned or chosen. If you were to allow male Olympic weightlifters to compete with the females, without any weight class or gender divisions, you’ll quickly find that the females would always come last. And you’d blame them for it, without recognizing their disadvantages, without rewarding their efforts despite their inherent natural limitations over which they have no control or agency. If anything, it’s more commendable for lightweights and females, and older people even, to engage and achieve in sports - whatever that achievement may be, compared to the the top achievements.
You can’t blame people for the unearned. You only measure them by their effort - the earned - despite the unearned lifting them up or keeping them down.
You’re not validating people’s victimhood when you acknowledge their misfortune. You are instead helping them separate their self-image from their failures, much of which were attributes to unearned misfortune. Yes, you can hold them accountable for what was and is under their control regardless of misfortune, but don’t blame them. Let them know they didn’t deserve their misfortune - they need to hear it. Last, acknowledge to them your blessings - that you didn’t choose or earn - and then maybe, point to the few blessings that they do have, despite their misfortune. We all have some blessings.
It’s not enough to hold yourself accountable for things within your control. You also need acknowledge your blessings that were outside of your control - things you never earned. Remind yourself that your successes were more due to random luck and opportunity than the work you put in after seizing opportunity. Only then can you enjoy your success without the ghost of impostor syndrome tormenting you, reminding you that your haughtiness is built on sand.
Thank you for reading.
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