Second chances

We all deserve a second chance, right?

Not really. It’s nice to get one, but we don’t ‘deserve’ it.

We may have deserved the first chance, that first benefit of the doubt. And I say “maybe,” because even to a first chance we’re not entitled.

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And what did we do with our first chance? We failed to make the most of it - that faith from grace given to use by people assuming that we were good until proven otherwise.

Despite their initial good faith and risk in someone they didn’t know well, we failed them. And now we tell ourselves “we deserve” a second chance? No, we don’t.

If you think you’re entitled to a second chance, then it means you failed to appreciate your first chance as a privilege - not a right. You felt entitled to your first opportunity, so you didn’t value it; maybe that’s why you failed to prove worthy of it.

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No, you don’t deserve second chances. It’s good to have them, but nobody owes you a second chance. People have limited time and resources to waste on situations whose historical data indicate a bad trend, a disturbing pattern.

Sure, one failure is not enough data to go with, but when people have limited energy to grant to others, one instance must be enough.

We must be harsh in our generalizations, because life is one huge leap of faith. We do not have the luxury of giving enough chances to everyone to gather statistically important data from which to draw accurate conclusions.

What I am trying to say is that, if you fail to make the most of your first chance, then you cannot feel entitled to a second one. Instead, you can provide incentives to people to give you second chances, and work hard to make them understand that you’re maybe worth giving a second chance to. Very few people deny giving second chances out of spite alone. They deny giving second chances because life is short, and there are others to whom they can give first chances.

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You don’t have to feel bad about not giving second chances. Yes, sometimes people mess up their first chance, not because of ill will, but because they may have not been focused, or they may have been troubled. Still, you don’t owe them anything - it was not their fault, but it was their responsibility to make the most of your first chance to them. They may not be to blame for their failures, but neither are you to blame for denying them a second chance with you - you’re just safeguarding yourself.

The bottom line

Give people second chances in good faith - not because you owe them, but because you know you can afford to be disappointed again, and be OK regardless.

Give second chances to people, unless you have to commit to them in the meantime. If giving a second chance means committing yourself, then that poses too much risk, as well as opportunity cost. There’s the cost of other opportunities in committed relationships. If someone disrespects or betrays you, or proves to be morally incompatible, giving them a second chance deprives others of their first chances; others who have no history of betraying you. Giving a second chance to someone may deprive you of your second with to be happy.

A second chance to one is a stolen first chance to another.

If you do give a second chance to someone, make sure they have the humility to not feel entitled to it, and possess the will to earn it. Make sure the second chance is damn well worth it; worth more than a first chance to another who could pleasantly surprise you.

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