How to Apologize
Improve your relationships & self-esteem with regret management
When to apologize
Only apologize when you truly feel at fault. You mistreat people when you allow your emotional impulses to get the better of you, enough to disregard your commitment to your principles. Apologize only for violating your principles, and for being abusive, disloyal, weak, inconsiderate, unfair, or disrespectful. If you don’t genuinely feel like apologizing, then you shouldn’t apologize just because someone demands it as a condition for their pretend-approval. Approval based on threat and emotional blackmail is meaningless.
Apologizing too easily, and without authenticity, only dilutes the meaning and gravity of your apologies. It also damages your credibility, because no one trusts you if you say ‘sorry’ too often, and without real reason. It communicates that you are weak, apologetic, and a pushover willing to succumb to emotional blackmail. Submitting to pretentious apologies in order to appease a manipulator’s faux outrage only demonstrates a subservient mindset, and a willingness to deceive others (as well as yourself) in lieu of asserting your true disposition.
Context of an apology
A true apology must not come with an excuse. Any justification for what you did only invalidates your apology. Rationalizing why you mistreated someone is just asking for permission for repetition. A true apology must directly state, or at least imply, that you commit never to repeat your misbehavior, since your regret is enough to have taught you a valuable life-altering lesson. And your credibility depends on how well you stick to your commitments.
Your apology must be humble enough to come without an expectation of forgiveness. You must make it clear that you are not entitled to forgiveness after your apology. If you presume that you are owed forgiveness for just saying ‘sorry’, this only means that your apology is transactional, and that you only apologize to buy forgiveness. And such apologies are meaningless.
The goal of your apology
Your true goal with an apology is not to be forgiven, but rather, to let the other person know that they didn’t deserve your mistreatment. That’s all. Caring for how they feel is the only motivation behind a true apology. If you truly feel sorry, you will only care about the other person not assuming that they deserved your mistreatment. That is the single reason to apologize. If your goal is to be forgiven, then you are not humble or empathetic enough to care about the other person more than you care about you saving face.
Your apology must not come with the implied blackmail of withholding your approval, if they don’t forgive you. Your apology stands, whether they decide to forgive you or not. Only when they forgive you uncoerced does their forgiveness matter.
Even if the other person does not forgive you, you are humble enough to understand that it is within their rights. Besides, forgiveness of habitual abuse only encourages, perpetuates and magnifies abuse. And them not forgiving you doesn’t mean you can’t forgive yourself regardless. The authenticity of your apology and of your offer for restitution can mitigate your guilt.
Contents of your apology
So, a genuine apology would sound like this:
“I have no excuses for doing X to you. I am eternally sorry and regretful for it. I can’t imagine how hurtful it was to you. You don’t have to forgive me. I only want you to know that you did not deserve such treatment from anyone. Let me know if there’s anything I can do for you.”
It is important to state exactly what you did, rather than leave it vague. By describing your mistreatment in detail, you show that you are willing to recognize it. It is also important to state that you understand how hurtful you were to them, because you are willing to empathize with the pain you helped cause.
Lastly, an apology may contain an offer for restitution. It is the only way to earn meaningful forgiveness, and to mend your relationship, if possible. Ask if there’s anything you can do about your mistake; something reasonable and analogous to your imposition, which you are prepared to give; even if it means respecting their wish to end your relationship. Remember that your apology must not be reliant upon an expected forgiveness. Your only expectation is the help them understand that they did not deserve your mistreatment.
In summary, an apology contains the following elements:
Admission of no excuse from your part
Clear description of your mistreatment
Clear statement of your apology and regret
Acknowledgement of pain caused
Waiving of expectation of forgiveness
Declaration that they did not deserve mistreatment
Offer of restitution
Regret management
Regardless, don’t beat yourself up when apologizing. Do not appear weak, needy, slimy or grovelling. Apologize with an unapologetic manner, and with dignity. Yes, you admit that you messed up, and that you do feel genuine regret, but an apology that comes from self-deprecating weakness carries little worth. In contrast, an apology that comes from dignity and self-respect is meaningful and priceless, because you are willing to humble yourself from a strong position to make them feel better.
Regret is a sign of empathy and humility, and it means you have learned a lesson from your mistakes. Regret is the hefty price of education. People who claim they have “no regrets” are likely sociopathic, non-empathetic, and insecurely narcissistic. You can have regret without self-punishment, because your regret is not a reason to hate yourself; it is a sign that shows you what you don’t inherently stand for. In the words of the band ‘3 doors down’, “Your mistakes do not define you; they tell you who you’re not.”
Apology results
Once your apologies are dignified and principled, I promise you that your relationships will be stronger, and founded on adherence to common values. You will also solidify your self-esteem, because you prove to yourself that you address your mistakes with courage, self-accountability, and humility. And it takes strength to be humble without being threatened.
Lastly, remember that, when you yourself feel mistreated, you can calmly let them know what they did to you in hopes of a true apology. Your aim is not to humiliate them by forcing them to become apologetic. Your aim is to give your relationship a chance to mend after a bump on the road. If you cannot forgive someone, then no apology can save the relationship, so there is no value in one.
Blind blanket forgiveness dilutes the meaning of your forgiveness, and it takes away from those who truly worked to earn your forgiveness. Don’t forgive those who never earned your forgiveness.
You're quite right that over-apologising is weak. But I want to propose another reason that one might apologise.
By apologising for a wrong you demonstrate to yourself (and to the receiving person) that you have a well-defined and disciplined sense of self. An apology shows that you know that some behaviour is beneath what you expect of yourself and allows the receiving person an insight into your sense of self. In this way an apology is--or should be--an expression of what others have a right to expect from you in future (to which you are ro should be effectively undertaking to adhere).
People who cannot apologise seem capable of anything, no matter how lowly. Such people are to be kept at a distance.